I'm the Seme!
by ListeningSilence
Summary: A collection of meat-to-be-funny one-shots.
1. What the hell is a seme?

**FIRST THINGS FIRST: Don't read this if you're under 13. Or not of that maturity level... I mean, I've met some pretty aware 12 and 11 year-olds, too.**

**Well, first fanfic for Yuugiou, or Yu-Gi-Oh, or whatever you want to call it. It shouldn't really matter for this fic, whether you enjoy the Americanime or the Japanime. Purely for a laugh.**

**Who doesn't love Awkward Puzzleshipping One-shots?**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yugi (Yuugi) or Atem (Atemu). It's all originally the property of a man named Takahashi Kazuki, but 4Kids bought the rights, as did Shonen Jump. And blah, blah, blah... you know the story... Don't sue me.**

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><p>When Yuugi entered his apartment room to see Atem lounging on the couch, eyes narrowed in concern as he examined the screen of a laptop sitting in front of him, he immediately detected the bad vibes. The moment the door opened, Atem tilted his head up toward his roommate, somewhat acknowledging him, though his eyes never left the screen.<p>

"Oh, good. You're home," he mumbled at monitor.

"What are you looking at?" Yugi asked warily, tossing his bag into the corner.

"Well, you see, I googled my name–"

Yugi blanched. "Oh, Lord."

"Well, I found this Wikipedia article just now with some stuff about something called 'Puzzleshipping', and then it talks about 'yaoi'... Is that how it's pronounced?"

"Please, God, tell me you never got on Deviant Art–"

"No..."

"Fan fiction?"

"No... No, no I didn't– Do you know what any of this means? _Should_ I search Fan fiction? Deviant Art?"

"No!" Yugi wailed, snatching the laptop away from the taller man and snapping it shut. He held it tightly at his side. "No, you'll just find a bunch of crap posted by adolescent girls with wild imaginations about you and–" he stopped suddenly, his face flushing. "It's not worth seeing."

"Well, that sounded like it _was._"

"No, it's just a bunch of misinformation."

"Really? Well, I wish I at least knew what it meant. I saw something about me being called a '_séme_'..."

At this, Yugi stiffened, and his expression turned into a scowl. "Wait, _what?" _He opened the laptop again, quickly navigating its history's contents.

"Oh, just because I'm _short_? Now, that's just unfair–"

"So you do know what it means," the calm voice of his friend interrupted him.

Yugi started, as if just remembering that he wasn't alone. When he glanced up, wincing, he found that the other man was looking at him with complete innocence, eyes intent.

He sighed in relief. But now he would have to explain.

Damn his impulsive mouth.

"I, ah..." Yugi struggled to find words. "It's... ah...," He choked, giving up. "Its nothing you want to waste your time over."

"Look, just gimme that back, I can find it on my–" Atem began, reaching for the computer. When Yugi shook his head again, more desperately this time, and pulled back, Atem got up from his seat and tackled him, pushing him to the ground and holding him there with his weight as they grappled for the computer. "Give it up!" Atem grunted, reaching out for it.

"Oh, come on!" Yugi growled, pinned down, "This proves _nothing!"_

Atem paused, hand still outstretched for the computer Yugi held out as far from him as he could. He looked down at Yugi, their faces inches apart. "Proves nothing what?"

"I will _not_ be called the _uke!_" Yugi cried out, taking advantage of Atem's momentary distraction and pushing him away, shoving him down and straddling him between his legs. He pinned the man's chest down with his hands, smirking when he had gained control.

"_Who's the séme now, bitches?" _He shouted triumphantly.

"What the _hell_ is a _séme_?" Yami asked, ceasing to struggle. It was pointless.

"Me! I'm the–" Yugi started, but froze mid-sentence, realizing what he was saying. His face turned the darkest shade of red Atem had ever seen. Still stuck beneath Yugi's weight, he raised his eyebrows. Yugi back-peddled uselessly. "I mean, ah... It's just, um... nothing. It's nothing. No one."

Yami crossed his arms below where Yugi's hands still pressed down on his chest, eyes expecting an answer.

Yugi suddenly realized what the scene must've looked like.

"Oh, _gah_–" he exclaimed, getting up as quickly as he possibly could, tripping over a phone cord and nearly falling. It had been Atem's quick reflexes, pulling him back up and steadying him by gripping his forearms, that prevented his potentially dangerous descent.

"Stop that!" Yugi fumed, when he caught his balance.

"Stop what?"

"_Acting like the_ _sé–_ _Ah_! Nobody is the freaking _séme!_"

Yugi twisted out of Atem's grip and picked up the computer, slamming it shut. He turned to leave, face stormy.

"Go to bed, Atem," he said without looking back, shoving the door closed as he left, bringing the laptop with him.

_0_O_0_

Later that night, Yugi awoke and immediately noticed something off about the room.

He yawned, stretching his arms out above his head, fingers brushing the headboard. The stretch felt like heaven.

It was then that he noticed the oddity– there was a light coming from the floor below him. He straightened under his covers, whipping them off and sitting up to see Atem lying on his stomach below the bed, the laptop open in front of him.

Atem looked up from the screen, eyes barely meeting Yugi's before traveling down his body to gaze over the rest of him. It was at that point that Yugi remembered that he was shirtless, clothed only in his boxers. He pulled the blanket tightly back over his body.

"How the hell did you get in here?"

Atem acted as if he hadn't heard, glancing back at the computer. "They didn't get your abs right."

Yugi fidgeted under the blanket, hugging the fabric closer to him. "Who didn't... What?"

"You're much less... sculpted... then they seem to think. As is your hair... when you're in bed, anyway."

Yugi lifted his hand to his forehead, and found his blonde bangs in thin, wispy strands that tickled where they fell into his eyes. When he raised his hand higher, he found that his spiked hair had fallen down to his shoulders. He ran his fingers though it to push it away as he stared at Atem, perplexed.

"Why are you _in_ here?"

Atem's eyes returned to the screen, which was at an angle that prevented Yugi from seeing exactly what was on it. All he could make out were the colors- he saw a great deal of red, black, and yellow. And skin color.

"Been doing some reading, too," Atem said. "Adolescent girls _do_ have quite the imagination."

Yugi was still half asleep, and hadn't grasped much of Atem's meaning.

"Look, I'm tired... Just let me go back to–"

"I can't see how it can be so important to you. Not being the _uke, _I mean. Look, you know what? I'll be the _uke_ if it means so much to you, alright?" he said softly, as if to soothe an angry child.

Yugi's eyes widened, and his mouth fell agape as his mind began to put two and two together.

"Atem?"

"Yes?"

"Don't tell me you..." He couldn't finish.

Atem smiled. "Any more room up there, _séme_?"

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><p><strong>Yes, I do watch the Abridged Series. Not that I'm anywhere near as funny as our dear friend LittleKuriboh, but yes, he inspires me.<strong>

**Yeah... so, thanks for checking this out. Tell me what you thought. Or don't, I guess, if you're otherwise occupied. It'd be nice though.**

**Did you happen to know that there are only four words in the english language ending in "-dous"? Horrendous, Tremendous, Stupendous, and Hazardous.**

**-C.**


	2. A perfectly good table

**First of all, yes, I know that the Pharaoh isn't this horny. I just thought this would be hilarious.**

**Second of all, sorry if it takes me a while to update. I just do this when I have a funny idea (You can help with that, my dear reviewers), so it might not be often. Also, I'm working on a Spirited Away fanfic, and this is something of a side project.**

**Third of all, I know that this was supposed to be a single chapter. A one-shot, so to speak, but when I get a review that indicated lower expectations, I get all competitive. XD I know that this one could turn out to be worse... but I had to try.**

**Fourth of all, I love all of you who reviewed!**

**Fifth of all, please understand that the sexual orientation of my characters may change. Because I feel like it.**

**Sixth of all, I will probably always call Anzu/Tea 'Anzu'. For I like the name better. It means peach, did you know?**

**Fifth of all, Did'ja notice my mistake?**

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><p><em>You know, <em>came the deep, mocking voice of the Pharaoh reverberating in Yugi's mind, _this is _quite _the threesome._

Yugi jerked away from Anzu, choking on his tongue. "God dammit-"

Beside Yugi, lounging in a similar chair, sat his alter-ego, completely invisible to Anzu, who was sitting at the other side of the table. Or standing, rather, as it would be quite difficult to reach otherwise.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Anzu scrambled, a hand lifting unconsciously to her lips, "I- I never meant to be so-"

"No, no, Anzu, you didn't do anything– Or, no, I- I mean you _did_ do _something, _but nothing that was– I mean you're _great_, but, ah-"

_Keep going, you're making it _much _better._

"Shut the hell up, you _bastard!"_ Yugi shouted, only to be rewarded with a mischievous smile from the man beside him. Then, seeing the look on Anzu's face, he hurried to add, "No, not you! I mean–"

_The 3,000 year old invisible man sitting next to you._

_"Atem..." _Yugi growled.

"Oh..." Anzu sighed in relief, "He's there, isn't he?"

Yugi nodded tiredly, rubbing a knot out of his temple. He sat back down in his chair across the table. "When is he ever not?"

_When he's getting laid, that's when he's not. Seriously, how long have we been making out when there's a perfectly good table _right there_? I can just watch if it makes you uncomfortable. Then we can switch, and–_

Yugi gritted his teeth, hissing. "God Dammit, Pharaoh..."

_It's like you're reluctant, _the Pharaoh continued, _what are you, sixteen? And you're _still _a virgin?_

_This isn't ancient Egypt! Virginity is perfectly normal for my age! _This time Yugi remembered to communicate mentally.

"You're angry," Anzu said, carefully, "is he...?"

_Oh, yes. I am, in fact, having a_ great_ time._

_Pharaoh!_

"Yeah, he's being a bastard is all, and I- _what the–?" _

The Millennium Puzzle let out a bright glow all of the sudden, golden light shimmering into the air around the boy. Yugi was consumed by it, his appearance having changed in only the slightest of ways when the light dissipated.

"How's it going, sexy?"

His personality, however, had altered incredibly.

"Pharaoh–?"

"Don't you injure your pretty, under-pampered ego about our little _aibou__._ Yugi is having a _fantastic _time. You can take my word for it," he leaned forward until he was inches away from Anzu's face, "_I can feel everything he does, _and hear every single thought_. _And he's practically–" The Puzzle began glowing again, catching his attention. "Shit," the Pharaoh spat, flatly.

"_Atem you whoring, bitchy, arrogant, depraved bastard son of a bitch!" _And then it was Yugi again, the line of his jaw, curve of his chin, and shape of his eyes having softened, though his words did not experience the same effect. "_Shut the f**k up before I rip your puzzle apart and toss it down the garbage disposal!"_

But the faded, ghost-like man beside him seemed only capable of hysterical laughter.

When Yugi looked up at Anzu again, her face was pinker than Valentine's Day, eyes meeting his in astonishment.

"Oh, ah–" Yugi was trapped. He was caught between the need to apologize and the need to explain. Since the explanation was not likely forthcoming– "I'm so sorry, those aren't words I should use in front of you or any other–"

_Whore?_

"–woman."

"It's, ah, okay, Yugi..." Anzu said, staring at the Puzzle with a slightly different shine to her eye. "I don't mind..."

_Hah. That's what _you _said, _The Pharaoh chuckled, acting as if he couldn't see the hell that he was making this experience for Yugi. Though of course, he absolutely could.

Anzu watched as Yugi's face turned a deep, deep red, his head bowing into his hands so that she couldn't see his face. She heard a low-whispered, _"shut up," _as if it were some sort of plea to God.

"...Anzu?" Yugi asked, head still in his hands.

She blinked. "Yes?"

"Please," he begged, "Don't listen to anything he says. He can be a bit... Aggressive with people when he's... Ah..."

_Said the UKE!_

"Anyway," Yugi said, purposefully blocking out Atem's voice with some effort. "We just have to ignore him. You know that he's from ancient Egypt, and you must understand that he just doesn't understand what is socially appropriate in this time period-"

_Bitches just _love _ancient Egyptian–_

"...and he'll give up eventually."

_You sound like a ten-year-old–_

"Or maybe he'll just-"

_And look like one, too._

"-Or maybe he'll just get too annoyed to carry on. Either way works for me, really."

_Yup,_ and now there was something like triumph in the Pharaoh's voice,_ You could go both ways._

Yugi's face tightened as he clenched his teeth, forehead furrowing in anger.

But then he had composed himself, as quickly as he could.

Anzu nodded absent-mindedly, not having seen the expression. "What's it like, to have him there all the time?"

"Well," Yugi said, "It's a bit difficult to deal with his constant bitching–"

_God, this is a boring conversation._

"–But sometimes it comes in handy. I mean, like when a jerk wants to play a–" Yugi looked down at his puzzle again, "Ah, _Sh–"_

But then he was gone once more in a flash of brightness. Except this time his replacement didn't seem to have much to say. In fact, he didn't say a word.

"...Pharaoh?" Anzu asked through the silence.

The Pharaoh looked up briefly from where he was staring at the table, fingers worrying at the table cloth. "Yes?"

"You... Ah... What is it you want this time?"

"This time I'm just saving your ass from his rambling. He does that. Just enjoy the silence for the few seconds that I can keep–"

Yugi switched places with the Pharaoh again, looking quite smug that he had accomplished it so quickly. It was a rather constant battle for their mutual body– usually the Pharaoh was the submissive one. Yugi was more aggressive in keeping control. He had, after all, been there first.

_You said it, séme._

"Sorry," Yugi said, the word a little strained as he fought to ignore the comment.

"Yeah... Um...," Anzu hesitated. "So are you free tomorrow?"

_Bad sign._

_It's _your_ fault, dammit!_

"Sure, Anzu..." Yugi said, shrugging. He awkwardly reached forward to smooth out the blue dinner cloth. They had originally decided to merely have a nice dinner at his house, but once the dishes had been removed–

_All hell broke loose. You're both amateurs at kissing. I can't imagine what second base will– _

_Shut your _ungodly_ mouth._

_Hah. Ungodly. You know, Pharaohs were actually considered-_

"I'll see you later, then." Anzu smiled at Yugi as she turned to leave, a little hesitantly. When the door had shut behind her, Yugi turned to the Pharaoh, who sat, invisible to anyone else that may have been looking, in the chair adjacent to his.

_-Godly, _Atem said, out of seemingly nowhere.

"What?" Yugi sputtered aloud.

_Pharaohs. It's ironic that you said 'ungodly' because we were actually considered to be gods in the old days._

"You can just go straight to hell," Yugi said, but the insult was half-hearted.

_Technically, I should already be there, _the Pharaoh said, as if this thought had never occurred to him before. _Huh._

"Why do you always have to interfere? Isn't there anything else you could do when you're not in control?"

_You do not want me to answer that question,_ _my dear _aibou.

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><p><strong>Yeah. I don't have incredibly much to say, really.<strong>

**But it's true, the little Pharaoh trivia at the end. I swear it. Tell your friends. **


End file.
